


Everybody Knows

by beer_good



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Community: zombi_fic_ation, Epistolary, Gen, The Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-28
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-06 13:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1860447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beer_good/pseuds/beer_good
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for <b>zombi_fic_ation</b> and the prompt "254. The tiny city under the pin retrieval area of lane five of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley And Arcade Fun Complex is having a tiny problem with tiny zombies."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everybody Knows

**Title:** Everybody Knows  
 **Author:** Beer Good   
 **Fandom:** _Welcome To Night Vale_  
 **Rating:** PG13  
 **Word count:** ~1500  
 **Summary:** Written for **zombi_fic_ation**  and the prompt "254. The tiny city under the pin retrieval area of lane five of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley And Arcade Fun Complex is having a tiny problem with tiny zombies."

"All bowling alleys are sacred to Discordians and, if necessary, you must give your life to protect them from desecration."  
\- Principia Discordia

**Everybody Knows**

Notice hung on the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex notice board, 3 March

Lane 5 is no longer in use. Please use any other lane. Enjoy your bowling!

Teddy Williams  
Owner, Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex

* * *

Notice hung on the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex notice board, 5 March  
Lane 5 is NOT in use. For your own safety, use any other lane. Have fun!

Teddy Williams  
Owner, Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex

* * *

Notice hung on the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex notice board, 6 March  
I want to address the rumors that there's a tiny horde of tiny zombies under the pin retrieval area of lane 5. I pride myself on running a zombie-free establishment, and I want to stress that the amount of zombies is well below the official action levels (by weight). But if you insist on bowling on lane 5, you do this at your own risk. Please check the finger holes in your bowling balls after each roll. If you do feel something bite you, please leave the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex and seek medical attention.

Teddy Williams  
Owner, Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex

* * *

_Night Vale Public Radio_ , 8 March  
Mayor Pamela Winchell held a press conference today to commemorate the 1-year anniversary of the new Night Vale air, food and water processing plant, and took the time to comment on the rumours of zombies attacking people from under lane 5 of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. She had investigated the matter personally, she hissed through clenched teeth, and there have indeed been cases of Night Vale citizens being stung, or rather bitten, by something reported to be zombies. The unfortunate victims behave in very odd ways, she said, raising her voice to an incoherent scream. Symptoms include howling in terror when confronted with perfectly normal aspects of Night Vale life, babbling and moaning about brains, and trying to convince and even physically drag other citizens to the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex to infect them as well. Absent-mindedly rubbing a band aid on her right index finger, Mayor Winchell continued, "Victims seem almost consumed by doubt, even thinking that... that... that... that.. that...", which went on for some time before concluding, "that it's in somebody's best interest to make us fear the inhabitants of the Tiny Underground City, and vice versa. That we have the power to change, to use our - "

This, she clarified in a later written message, issued after she was escorted off stage by helpful aides in affordable business casual attire, is wrong. "Zombies are evil. Really, it's simple. Everyone knows that. And thanks to Teddy Williams' tireless investigation, we can be sure not only that the entire population of the Tiny Underground City are plotting a war against us, but also that the things under lane 5 are definitely zombies, and that they must be destroyed."

* * *

Notice hung on the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex notice board, 8 March  
Come to Lane 5!  
You'll love it!  
It's a way of life!  
We want to be your friends.  
Bowl as much as you want, especially on lane 5.

Theodore S. Williams  
Proprietor, Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex

* * *

Notice hung on the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex notice board, 9 March  
The previous notice was not put up by me. Anyone who thinks so, and who points out that it looks a lot like my handwriting, will be permanently banned from the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex.

Besides, with the blood stains on it, how can you even tell whose handwriting it is? And what sort of person uses a fancy word like "proprietor", anyway? Nobody who bowls, that's for sure. Nobody you can trust, that's for sure. Sounds like someone who might worship a dark, unsmiling god named Huntokar, doesn't it?

In other news, I'm pleased to report that with the right help, the effects of the zombie bites seem to be temporary. Still, someone should do something, don't you think?

Teddy Williams  
Owner, Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex

* * *

Rejected op-ed piece, _Night Vale Daily Journal_ , 9 March  
As a representative of Night Vale's scientific community, I think it's important to remember what we actually know about the alleged zombie infestation under lane 5. Yes, we know that there is a tiny civilization living down there who have at times shown signs of aggression when they feel threatened, and I can produce a witness who will corroborate that I myself carry scars from such an attack.

Yes, there have been reports of people staggering out of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex with bleeding fingers, a confused look on their faces, and moaning for brains, but this is Night Vale, people. I'm not ruling out the possibility of zombies, but I would caution against jumping to conclusions and acting on them.

Scientifically yours,  
Carlos, ScD

* * *

Community health tip, _Night Vale Public Radio_ , 11 March  
Are you feeling confused?

As if you just woke up from a long sleep?

Are your fingers bleeding from what looks like tiny little pin pricks?

If so, you may have been bitten by the zombies we all know live under lane 5 of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. Common symptoms include a craving for brains, specifically a useless desire to use your brain to think more deeply about your situation, a delusion of understanding the complexities of a really very simple world, and a slight tingling sensation from the blood loss. But don't worry, there is no need for alarm. If you think you may have been bitten, seek help from the yellow, windowless ambulances parked outside the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. If you feel the urge coming on, remember: you don't need brains.

Fear the zombies.

Avoid them.

Prepare for the oncoming war.

Trust in a smiling god.

StrexHealth (Formerly the Greater Night Vale Medical Community)

* * *

Notice hung on the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex notice board, 14 March  
Friends! Night Vale citizens! Bowlers!

Tomorrow is the first annual Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex Super Fun Anti-Zombie Extravaganza Night. Come to lane 5 at noon, for a celebration of Night Vale pride and community spirit.

Our sponsors have been generous enough to provide tools for everyone who participates. Remember: you take care of zombies by removing the head or destroying the brain. As small as they are, that should be pretty easy.

Join the fun, people!

Teddy Williams  
Owner, Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex

* * *

_Night Vale Public Radio_ , 15 March  
Listeners,

I have been asked to report that the campaign against the alleged zombie horde under the pin retrieval unit of lane 5 of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex has been a complete success. The tiny zombies put up a fight, dressed in tiny white lab coats, and carrying tiny test tubes and tiny syringes, with which they tried to stab their attackers. " _No,_ " they are reported to have said - or, presumably, moaned - as the brigade of brave Night Vale citizens put them down, " _Damnit, guys, this was a really bad idea - We just want to help you see what's going - For god's sake, use your -_ " All in vain, of course. The official explanation for the zombies' odd behavior is that the zombie apocalypse in the Tiny Underground City must have begun in a scientific laboratory as, as regular visitors to Fright Night at the Night Vale Cinema will know, such things often do. "Because let's face it," an official commented, "scientists are always meddling in things they have no business sticking their noses in, forcing their worldview on people even when it flies in the face of common sense. I hope," the official added, his eyes boring into the soul of everyone present, "that they will learn not to interfere with the continuing preparations for the upcoming war with the Tiny Underground City itself."

So there you have it, Night Vale. We are, once again, free to enjoy our favourite pastime without fear of having our minds taken over by irrational urges to doubt our place in the world. Once again, we know who to fear and who to trust. Once again, we are officially safe.

Stay tuned for... well, you know. The usual stuff.

Goodnight, Night Vale, Goodnight.


End file.
